The Most Powerful Way to Pivot When You Don’t Feel Grateful as a Mom

Before my teenage son closed the van door and walked towards the theatre, I thought I heard it. Barely louder than a whisper, so I wasn’t sure. Whipping my head around, I asked if anyone in the back heard it too. They nodded, wide-eyed, and his cheeky younger brother said, “Now that’s progress.”

This mystery phrase? Thanks, Mom.

Teens have a reputation for not always showing gratitude. Especially on more [ahem] sullen days. But if I’m honest, I struggle to show gratitude too. And at times, to even feel grateful.

It’s definitely easy to be thankful as Moms on bright sunshiny days. When no one has a drippy nose. When siblings play peacefully for more than six minutes. Or when our teen pours us coffee and sits nearby.

Those are good moments. And we can’t help but smile. But what about when we are dealing with something annoying or stressful? How can we be thankful during those times?

Parenting is Like a Pomegranate

Pomegranates are complicated. Part treasure and part effort. And depending on the day, the ratio changes.

The pomegranate peel of parenting might include potty training that is mostly puddles. Or a child’s wail when a sibling smashes their Lego creation. Or even a teen who is painfully distant.

But the juicy fruit is a toddler’s sweet beam when they make it to the bathroom. Or a kind sister patiently rebuilding the Lego. Or a teen saying thanks for the theatre drop-off.

Now tell me, is it possible to actually be grateful for the entire pomegranate – peel and all?

But here’s a caveat. This is not about facing seasons of deep pain and hardship. Rather, this is about parenting through regular annoyances and personality challenges. Navigating speed bumps, but not collapses of the road.

The importance of chasing gratitude

Gratitude is magnetic. You are motivated to work harder for a boss who is genuinely grateful. Your heart beats faster when you find a gift for a child who will squeal with gratitude. In a world that rushes, gratitude says I see you and I am thankful. And when we model gratitude in our homes, it impacts everyone.

Picture this: A dad sleeps in and is late for work so he grumbles at his wife. The mom feels stressed so she snaps at her daughter. The daughter spills her drink and blames it on her brother. The brother has no one to blame but the dog.

But then. The mom realizes it’s actually Saturday and no one needs to rush. The dad thanks her for checking the calendar. She thanks the kids for cleaning up the spill. Even Lassie gets a “Good Doogie” rub and an extra scoop of puppy chow.

Grumbling is contagious. But so is gratitude.

So how do we refuel our gratitude as Moms?

It’s simple, but not easy.

In parenting, having a healthy perspective gives gratitude a chance.

Perspective reminds us hard parts don’t last forever. Perspective frees us up to even consider there might blessings tucked into the challenge. It whispers hope and softens our parenting. Perspective offers this:

Perspective can even help us be thankful for potholes. Brother David, a 94 year-old gratitude expert says, “Potholes in the road give us the opportunity to slow down and that is always a good thing.”

When I lack perspective, my shoulders tense and I become painfully stressy and serious as a mom. Which is the opposite of my message of hope here at Lightly Frayed. So when I start to get off-track, I know it’s time to step back, shift my perspective and reboot my gratitude.

This simple exercise helps shape gratitude

When parenting full tilt, I know making the time to reflect might feel overwhelming. But this simple idea makes it possible. At the end of this article, you can download worksheets to help you list tricky parts of parenting and dig for the treasure.

Here’s the note I wrote my four boys about being thankful for our tough stuff. Watch for how this exercise helped me realize the annoying peel of the pomegranate was actually shaping me as a mom.

Dear Boys,

I am thankful for you. And for all of each of you, even your complicated bumpy parts.

I am thankful for your tantrums. They remind me to breathe deeply and calm my voice. They remind me I can handle them calmly now, unlike years ago when my flame would ignite too quickly. They remind me I can change.

I am thankful for your teen words that keep me running to Google to stay current. And when I say an expression wrong or dance a little, I’m thankful you eventually stop laughing at me.

I am thankful for your moodiness – it reminds me I can not control your happiness, nor should I try {spoiler alert: I still do}. This reminds me you are growing so separately from me and I’m privileged to watch it happen.

I am thankful for your questions, even ones that stress me out. It means you are thinking critically. It also means I am nearby to hear you asking.

I am thankful for our opposite-ness. Life with you reminds me of our different personalities. I am grateful for the vibrancy you add to my beige.

I am thankful for your get-up-and-go. And how you push this introvert to keep moving. So many of our adventures come from your restless pleas.

I am thankful for your slothful moments. They have taught me to enjoy the sound of my own naggy voice.  Just kidding – I’m not really thankful for this. Pick up your socks already!

I am thankful for your sibling squabbles. You remind me to be more honest when I’m frustrated. Instead of settling for empty quiet as brothers, I am grateful you push through tension. Loudly.

I am thankful for your pushback. It makes me evaluate <why> from a new angle.

• Why can’t you charge your phone in your room at night?
• Why do we go to church every week?
• Why can’t you pee off our roof?

I wouldn’t ponder these questions without your need to understand. And sometimes your questions make me realize rules are due for review.

You are all so different. Our family tapestry is rich and ravelled. It would be plain and incomplete without both sides of the rug. Beauty and tangles.

I know I simply don’t say it enough boys, but I am so thankful. Not only for your sweet, tidy bits but for the messy bits that keep me on my knees and remind me I can not do this in my own strength and wisdom.

And I’m thankful you tolerate my messy bits too.

With so much gratitude and a cheeky little kiss you didn’t see coming.

Love, Mom

After writing this letter I genuinely felt more grateful for my pomegranate peels. I even begged the kids to try to annoy me because I was ready….[P.S. I did not do that].

Are you excited to try this? Remember: instructions at the end will make this fun and doable.

But what if our kids are especially challenging?

I hear you. It’s easy to look around and think “I could be more grateful if I had easier kids like they do.” But I’ve learned they might be thinking the same thing about you.

So can we really be grateful for our fruit if the peel feels impossibly thick? If it’s so tough that we’re weary of even trying?

Matt was a boy with a complicated pomegranate peel. In Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas explains Matt escaped all car seats, and every principal had his Mom on speed dial.

In Kindergarten, Matt was told not to bring crayons to school. The next day his Mom counted 116 crayons hidden in that Little Stinker’s clothing. Including his underwear.

Clearly parenting Matt was overwhelming. But peek into his Mom’s incredible perspective:

God worked in my life to change attitudes of bitterness, embarrassment and resentment into attitudes of grace, love and hope. These new attitudes developed out of pain, self-sacrifice and a little creativity….I needed to stop being mortified and start being modified… 

Devotions for Sacred Parenting

She may not have signed up to raise such a challenging Crayon Smuggler, but over time Matt’s mom realized he helped to transform her character. That is an entire bowl of pomegranate goodness.

Ready for a gratitude reset? Your turn

1. Download your FREE worksheets now. Print a copy to put by your bed.

2. Choose the worksheet that suits you best. And set aside 10 minutes to begin today.

Love Lists? Fill out the list of things that are hard + how you can be thankful for them. Dig for the treasure. Be gentle with yourself. This is a new way of thinking.

Love Free Writing? Write a letter to your kids. Make it funny or serious. Don’t worry about making it polished. It can be tucked away for yourself or you may decide to share parts of it later.

A BONUS sheet includes 7 questions to make this fun. For example, “How would life without your child’s quirks seem dull?”

Final Thought

Thankfully there is no deadline for personal growth. And we have a lifetime to tiptoe towards gratitude. Slow down. And trust that small pivots lead to profound results. For us and our families.