When my oldest boys were 3 and 1, we were expecting our third. Apart from strangers telling me how huge I was {is that even legal?} they also felt the need to ask the dreaded question, “Are you trying for a girl this time?”
Every. Single. Day.
Wait, no. That’s not quite true. There were days we hunkered down with toys and sippy cups and did not leave the house. Nobody asked me on those days.
are you trying for a girl
It seems innocuous enough right? How’s the weather? Did you watch This is Us last night? Are you trying for a girl?
But no. It is much more than casual conversation making. This innocent question is actually impossible to answer. Here’s why.
The gender of my adorable watermelon has already been determined. Done deal. Bit like asking someone about to open up a Christmas parcel, “Are you trying for a diamond ring?” It either is one, or it is not.
If I claim I was trying for a girl, and it is in fact a boy, I am admitting failure or at least disappointment.
If I claim I was trying for a girl, and it is in fact a girl, then my other boys who are RIGHT BESIDE ME may need therapy one day. Perhaps when Mommy and Daddy had me, they were also trying for a girl, they might reason.
If I claim I was not trying for a girl, and that I am perfectly happy collecting blue balloons, the stranger will inevitably eye me with suspicion. Like I was pretending to want a candy bracelet, and not the coveted diamond ring. Like all people are desperate to have variety in the gender of their children. Like it is not possible to be crazy about blue, blue and more blue. What could possibly be wrong with giving birth to Navy, Cobalt, Indigo and Turquoise?
Pause rant.
the challenges of having a collection of boys
To be fair, there were unexpected challenges with having multiple boys.
Not the grocery bills or bathroom humour.
Oh no, it began much, much sooner.
The greatest challenge came in naming our Little Boys Blue.
After successfully naming two, we had exhausted all possibilities which sounded not-terrible with our last name. Those of you who know our last name will understand.
But then I had a name epiphany when I was pregnant with our third blue balloon. I fell in love with the name Rylan, for either a boy or a girl. A delicious peace settled in knowing that he was named months before the deadline.
Like I imagine it would feel to turn in an essay early.
The remaining challenge was finding a middle name worthy of his first name. This task I could not complete before his birth, and this deadline loomed large. [yes, person-I-do-not-know, much like my pregnant belly]
But then his auntie, who has a gift in brainstorming quality baby names, found the middle name that would stop all further gender discussions.
Karen, what about the name Connor?
Oh…Rylan Connor – that sounds nice.
It means “Much Wanted.”
Done deal.
Take that, random strangers. This blue balloon was very much wanted. Mama got another diamond ring.
happy endings all round
We loved blue balloons so much we went on to have even ONE MORE. For a grand total of four. And we weren’t even trying for a girl.
When a friend asked about us having another boy, our seven-year-old explained, “Yep – my parents only have one recipe – XY.” Who taught this kid about chromosomes when I wasn’t looking? (read more from his witty self here)
If you pass me on the street these days – please do not ask if I am trying for a girl.
My current squishy belly simply comes from giving birth to a whole lot of blue. And eating chips. Mostly chips. The struggle is real.
Can you suggest any fabulous responses when people ask, “Are you trying for a girl?”
More ponderings from a Lightly Frayed Mama. Go on. You know you want to.
Pin? It’s nice to share. Except for germs. And underwear.
We had the “trying for a girl” thing too and we only have two boys!
Remembering with nostalgia the agonizing decision over names that sounded good with our last name (tricky! I totally hear you on this one!), that weren’t too long (last name is 11 letters), and there had to be an English name and a cultural name (of which I knew few and all were related!) And I love what we chose, but no one pronounces it correctly!
I’ve been reading “Only Love Today” by Rachel Macy Stafford and your blog reminded me of this quote: “In the busyness of life, it’s easy to fall into the habit of saying my loved one’s name as if it’s just a word or a way to get his or her attention. Before I address my loved one today, I will take a moment to remember the time, thought and care that went into choosing the name of this precious person, and then I’ll say it with genuine love, this one simple action holds to power to bring love into the conversation.”
Beautiful reminder. Thanks Loria.
As a boy mama, I totally relate. I had family members say they were praying that it was a girl. I so wanted to say, “You’re too late…it’s already decided” but I bit my tongue. I sincerely didn’t harbour a secret desire for a girl so it made me incredibly mad when everyone said that, as if the girl was the prize and a boy was a consolation! BOYS RULE!
You are absolutely right, Erin. Can’t imagine life without these boys of ours. (and the girls will come soon enough!) 😉
Love your humor..it’s nice to read about others moms with all boys..mine are almost out the door but the memories are for keeps..will be reading more
Ah – another boy mom! Love it! Thanks for the encouragement, Carrie.
Thank you so much for writing this! I don’t have children of my own (yet) but I hear people ask that question to others a lot. Whether they’re asking if you’re trying for a girl or trying for a boy, it drives me crazy! Even though I would love to have both girls and boys in my family some day, I feel like that question assumes that the perfect family consists of one boy and one girl. And we all know that is just not true. 🙂
You are so right. We are blessed to have whatever family we have. I know people are well meaning – sometimes they want to show their excitement or make conversation, and it can come out sounding wrong (I’m sure I’ve done it myself too!). Appreciate you taking the time to comment!
I can attest to the therapy boys need after figuring out their parents wanted a girl! My poor husband, the second boy, ending up being the middle child after his parents finally got their girl and stopped! Great post!
I’m so glad you wrote this; it’s a new perspective for me, but definitely one I take to heart! Most people with all boys/all girls I’ve met have been open about wanting the other gender, and it never occurred to me how difficult that might be for the children they already have. We have one girl, and my husband is actually scared to have a boy if we try again 😛 Thanks for sharing!
Haha! YES! I am pregnant with our 4th boy, and people still look at me with sympathy in their eyes when I tell them it’s another boy. I’m like, I’m SO happy! I LOVE having boys! (Obviously…since I already have 3!) Also, YES to the naming thing. By the 4th, it gets much harder to pick a boy name – we’ve already used 6 options so far. (For the record, we did finally agree on a name for our fourth). Loved this post and your whole blog! 🙂
I knew you would understand, Alicia. We should start a Mom of 4 Boys Club! I still have 1 girl name we didn`t get a chance to use, if you try for your fifth ;). Happy to have you here – loved your post on Money Saving Mom this week.
I don’t know why people say things like that (rolls eyes). Haha I love the example of opening a present – “are you trying for a diamond ring?” Good comparison. I grew up with twelve siblings so my poor mom heard all sorts of things! I guess the kindest assumption is that sometimes people just want to make conversation and choose an awkward way to go about it. :p
First of all – 12 kids? Just wow. I can only imagine what she heard. Happy to have you pop over TexMex Mom. You are right – people just get excited when they see baby bellies and want to say something…I think I sound more jaded than I actually am. And I’m certain I do the very same thing 🙂
Even across the ocean, I van related topics this topic. I live in Belgium, pregnant of my third girl. Yes, three girls here. I’m alsof being asked the question ‘going for a boy?’. I’m so happy together have healthy, happy children. Isn’t that they most important thing in the world?
Greetings from a happy mom in Belgium
Sophie -how exciting that my words went on a cross ocean adventure! Congratulations on your lovely house of pink.
Thank you! Any day now foto the new baby tot come!
(In my previous reaction I saw autocorrect did some work… In the first sentence ‘van related’ should be ‘can relate’ 😉)
Oooo! How exciting that your little bundle will come any day! Don’t worry – I think we all speak “autocorrect” these days. All the best on your delivery and those precious early days.
Boys love their mamma’s the best. You have a beautiful family.
Thanks Iolanda. We are pretty partial to boys around here. 😉
This is the second article I’ve read on this topic today! The other was from a mom of many girls. As a boy mom, I didn’t actually know this was a problem for girl moms too. I once heard a woman ask an expecting girl mom if she was hoping for another girl. Then she turned to me, an expecting boy mom, and asked if I was hoping for a girl. What the what??!!?
Is it a strange phenomenon, isn’t it? I read recently about a mom of 4 girls who were asked that question EIGHT times in one day. Poor little girls started getting a complex.