I Wish I had a Double Chin

I hear the things we despise about ourselves in our twenties, we will look back at with fondness in our thirties. Not the most edifying thought, but the truth of it penetrates my heart with each passing year.
For me a double chin falls in that category.

Stay with me.

I am neither a sucker for punishment, nor a glutton for despair.

Nor is the title a typo. I really do wish I had a double chin.

The truth is I wish I only had a double chin.

Or I wish I didn’t have a triple chin.

There are times when multiple-chins are acceptable. Like during childbirth when they say push your chin to your chest, and it might already conveniently be touching your chest because of the 17 litres of fluid pumped in via an I.V.

But when your baby is nine, you can probably not blame your multiple chins on this with any credibility.

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Not too long ago, a sweet, single-chinned girl in her twenties took a candid picture of me laughing at a baby shower (which is not a great surprise if you read this). I had a really bad feeling. I firmly announced that if I had more than two chins in that picture she was morally obligated to delete it. Permanently.

She started to count.

Not out loud, but in a quiet way that told me what she saw on her camera screen could not be good.

You don’t have to count to one. And you really don’t need to count to two.

I never did find out exactly how many chins I had in my guffawing photo. Perhaps it’s best as gravity is really setting in over here.

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I have created a few rules to help minimize the chin factor. If you have the same struggles, you might want to write these down.

Rule #1

Only tall people should take pictures. If they are not tall naturally, they must make themselves tall. By standing on crates. By piggy backing a taller person. Otherwise – walk away short photographer. Our time together will not end well.

Rule #2

Spontaneous pics must be discouraged. In theory it’s a nice idea to capture candid moments. But there are some moments that I do not want to remember. Multiple chin pics are top of the list. Braless couch potato pics are a close second. At least give me a 10 minute warning for a spontaneous shot so I can try to tilt strategically.

Rule #3

I reserve the right to preview any picture of myelf and <delete> if necessary. I promise not to delete pictures because one hair is out of place, or because I’m not wearing lipstick. Trust me to be reasonable and focus primarily on chin count. When my Mom tried to implement this rule, we thought she was just being picky. She was not. She was exercising her God-given right to have dignity. I see that now. And if anyone deserves a win, it’s Moms.

Rule #4

Someone should invent a fashionable item that hides multiple chins. And sell them on Etsy. Immediately. Please note – the turtleneck was never a good idea so it should not be that.

If you are a single-chinned person you simply can not understand this struggle. Buy your slimming jeans if you feel your tush is too chubby. Adorn flattering shirts that accentuate the right curves. But do not pretend to feel the pain of women with multiple chins who have nowhere to hide.

Just realized that in my fifties I might look back on the triple chin from my forties with fondness.

*gulp*

Oh well, chin up.

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