8 Things I Really Wish I Had Known Before Parenting a Teen

I expected to have an advantage parenting teenagers, as a high school teacher.

Friends would tell me they were terrified of that stage and I would smile because teens are my favourite. But it turns out educating teenagers is quite different than being Mom to one.

So I was basically at ground zero when our eldest entered his teen years.

Now that our oldest are 18, 16 and 14, I’ve had time to reflect on this parenting stage. So I compiled this resource of things I wish someone had told me about raising teens.

1. No one has this figured out

Not even the person who just came to your mind.

I hear you thinking, “But you don’t know so-and-so. Their teens are practically perfect.”

Nope. Not even them.

See your neighbour across the street, with the responsible kid who mows lawns? His parents are concerned he is going to implode from the pressure he puts on himself for high grades.

Your friend with the sweet daughter who is polite and personable? Her Mom worries she is too naive. When her Mom sets any limits, she slams doors and screams, “Why can’t you just trust me?”

Your son’s friend who seems like he would be the easiest kid to parent? His parents probably say the same thing about your teen who is testing you at every turn.

Comparison is a dangerous trap, typically based on fiction.

We are all just trying to figure this out.

We are one big figuring out cluster and watching others out of the corner of our eye will leave us feeling defeated.

2. Parenting teenagers doesn’t have to be lonely

When our kids are little, we share stories like, “You’ll never believe what Johnny did today.” And then laugh and hear how other Johnnys did even crazier things. Like bite someone in daycare. Or throw a full-body tantrum on the floor of the grocery store.

But as kids grow, their stories are no longer ours to share. And while their tantrums may be less public, they can be just as exhausting. Maybe even more so.

Related: Parenting Teens Can Be Lonely, But It Doesn’t Have to Be

3. The hard bits of parenting teens make us stronger

Growth does not tend to happen when life feels easy.

How do we develop patience? By waiting in the van for our teenager. Again.

When does our prayer life deepen?  As we watch the clock until our teen arrives home safely.

When are we reminded we are not in control as parents? Every day our teenager walks out the front door.

Every parent should read this book by Gary Thomas. It’s about how we change as we live out our parenting role.

Listen to the reflections of this Mom who was on speed-dial at every one of her son’s schools.

God worked in my life to change attitudes of bitterness, embarrassment and resentment into attitudes of grace, love and hope. These new attitudes developed out of pain, self-sacrfice and a little creativity….I needed to stop being mortified and start being modified…” ~ Devotions for Sacred Parenting

I wish someone had told me I could even be grateful for the heart-wrenching parts of parenting teenagers.

Related: Dear Kids: I’m Thankful for the Tough Stuff

4. Teenage wins count for double

Hugs from toddlers are endearing. But any win with a teenager?

That is a slow march to the podium, with our anthem ringing proud. A gold medal moment that deserves full press coverage. Even simple moments are causes for celebration:

• If your teen has been quiet for a week and then calls you to chat in her room? An Unexpected Win.
• “How was your day, Mom?”  They-Remember-I’m-a-Human win.
• An unprompted shoulder rub from a teenager.  Your-Massages-Are-Actually-Amazing-Now win.

I wish someone had told me how precious the wins would be when parenting a teenager.

Small parenting wins fill us with hope. Hope that despite our brokenness and impatience, God is creating kindness in our children. That despite their stumbling, our precious kids are experiencing their own victories – separate from ourselves. ~Lightly Frayed

This tip sheet will jumpstart wins with your teens:

5. Laughter is the secret sauce

Humour will be your sanity during bumps in the road.

But here’s the tricky part. You may not be able to always share the jokes with your teen. At times, humour may ease the tension. But other times it may be met with an eyeroll of epic proportions.

Some teens respond well to levity, and some get downright annoyed. And what works on Monday will probably not work by Tuesday. Good luck.

A few years ago, I dropped off one of my boys at the theatre. As he hopped out of the van he shocked us by saying, “Thanks, Mom.” As the sliding door closed, his younger brother whispered, “Now that’s progress.” Laughter helps the whole family survive bumps.

One Lightly Frayed reader sent this encouragement:

There’s the kind of laughter that is joyfully cleansing and cathartic because the spirit behind it is good-hearted and fun-loving and understanding. It has a way of capturing the truth poignantly and gently dislodges things in us. It leaves us feeling lighter, happier and more hopeful. It’s this kind of laughter— this spiritual and cathartic laughter—that I experience when I read your writing about family life and parenthood.  Mom of four

Related: Confessions of a Warped Sense of Humour

5. Self-care is important

I wish someone had emphasized the important of finding an outlet, especially while parenting teenagers. It’s important to find a hobby or activity that will replenish us and fuel us for the next lap.

Do you have an outlet? Maybe jogging, reading, baking, swimming or gathering friends? Or origami, knitting, karaoke or golfing? Laughing at memes?

One friend told me her kids would point to her running shoes and send her out the door if she was prickly.

An outlet helps you relieve parental stress.

So when a recent medical screening went “off-script” [ouch], I turned to writing therapy. And discovered the similarities between parenting a teenager and having a mammogram are simply uncanny.

6. Simple tools help, as we parent teenagers

I wish someone had reminded me to keep professionally developing as a Mom of teens.

When my Bigs were Little, I devoured parenting resources.

• How to get your kids to sleep through the night
• Secrets to potty train in a week (ha!)
• Ideas to keep kids occupied while you make dinner.

Google and my library card gave me solid advice.

But somewhere along the journey, parenting challenges weren’t as straightforward. And I stepped back from problem-driven research.

In my quest to keep growing and keep learning, I have renewed my commitment to read. And one of the first books I picked up was Emmerson Eggerich’s Mother and Son: The Respect Effect.

It has been lifechanging. I am learning to speak ‘blue’ and approach my teenagers in a way that does not make them defensive. I am more cognizant that I am parenting someone’s future husband [x4]

Start by signing out one book from a trusted author and dive in.

Related: Moms and Sons (Respect Is the Secret Sauce)

7. Watching a teenager dream, is profound

Pause the carpooling, laundry and meal prep long enough to zoom out for a moment. We made a person. We got through potty training. And now we can watch them get ready to take on the world. Phew!

Opportunities we offered our children when they were little, may become passions.

Values we prayed would take hold, may grow deeper than we even imagined.

Dreams that were sparked years ago, may come into fruition.

Related: 10 Ideas To Motivate Teenagers to Dream Big

8. The One who created them, cares even more than we do

I have saved the best for last.

If you understand this truth, it is a sigh of relief when we feel certain our efforts are failing. As a Christ-follower, this encompasses my hope as a parent.

Our Creator, who knew our children while we were still waddling around pregnant, cares deeply about their present and their future. Even more than we do.

We do not have to walk this journey alone. Use discouragement to springboard you into truth. Read your Bible. Listen to podcast wisdom. Read hope-filled words from experts.

Mark Gregston, from Heartlight Ministries, writes practical, profound truth:

Parenting Teens With Grace
The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Teen
Don’t Ever Quit
Managing Conflict With Your Teen

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Parenting a teenager can feel similar to our early days, where we had more questions than answers. 

And there will be times you enjoy the ride and times you want to hop off and walk on solid ground.

Remember this. Behind every great young adult is a parent who worried they did it all wrong during those teen years. You are not alone.

If you need encouragement as a parent of a teen, feel free to email me at karen@lightlyfrayed.com. I’m one note away.